In starting this new journey with our blog, I really wanted to share a personal side of myself, as I know many women have suffered with loss through miscarriage. I found comfort in my friends and family who experienced this as well, so I wanted to share our story and hope that it brings you comfort as well.
March 2015 is when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Adam and I weren’t trying, so we were both in shock yet excited! We began telling close friends and family and planning our future as parents. With unbridled joy, we were dreaming of names and nursery plans, without an ounce of doubt or fear in our minds.
A month went by and we were doing a light exercise at home before bed. We had our first appointment with the midwives the following day, and I was so ready to begin our pregnancy journey. After we finished, I went to the bathroom and noticed I was bleeding. I just sat there, confused and scared. It was right then, in that moment, that I felt a piece of my heart darken. I knew there was something wrong, and so we went to the ER immediately.
Sitting in the hospital waiting room, I felt numb. In bad situations, I tend to be a glass-half-empty kind of girl, so I had already accepted that this wasn’t going to end well. After being admitted, hooked up to an IV, and having my blood drawn, tests came back saying I was still pregnant- around 8 weeks. After feeling semi-hopeful, they rolled me back to do an ultrasound. The tech was silent the entire time as she scanned, but eventually found the amniotic sac where baby was supposed to be, only to find that they were gone.
It’s difficult for me to remember the night that ensued. I felt so broken, so confused; why is this happening to me? When morning finally came, we went to our appointment and explained our situation to the midwives. We had a completely different experience at this hospital than the one at the ER. They were so compassionate; I could tell that they were genuinely empathetic with our situation. They told us that if I were indeed miscarrying, there is nothing I could do to stop it. They suggested bed rest and ibuprofen for pain. So we went home, and on our drive, I cried harder than I’ve ever cried in my life. The grief was so consuming; I didn’t know how to be.
After getting home, I immediately crawled into bed, and that’s when the cramping and bleeding began. Besides actual labor, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced pain in that way; physical and emotional pain intertwined. The cramps were so severe and the bleeding went on for about 7 days. During that time I passed clumps of tissue; this was our baby. A baby that we were never going to meet, our sweet son or daughter that we would never get to hold. Not only did we lose a child, we lost a future that we thought was sealed. The only comfort I had was that our child was with our Heavenly Father, and that we would get to meet our sweet blueberry in heaven.
I took a week off of work to heal and grieve. When I returned, I felt like a different person. There are some experiences in life that age you, and I felt I had aged a lifetime. I felt so hardened, yet vulnerable at the same time. A few weeks went by and the whole experience hit me again, so I grieved some more, finding myself going through a bout of depression. It was only through the support of my husband, family, friends, and Jesus Christ that I was able to move on and accept what I could not change.
2 months went by and I became pregnant again. I was so excited, yet reserved. Looking back, I didn’t let myself experience the joy I should have felt until closer to the end my pregnancy. I lived in doubt and fear for months. I distrusted every pregnancy cramp and pain I experienced, I cried all the time; I worried endlessly. Loss can really strip you of joy, but I learned that it doesn’t have to.
In this moment, I can proudly say that I am a mother to a beautiful daughter who is almost a year and a half. I had a completely healthy pregnancy and now have a wonderful child. There is hope for those of you who have gone through this. Most women can still go on to have normal, healthy pregnancies. I anticipate our third pregnancy because I refuse to live without joy. I refuse to worry about what may or may not happen; I am not in control. And to me, that is the most freeing thing of all.